For Better and Worse -

People ask me how I'm feeling and I tell them I'm feeling better, that I'm getting stronger. And I do feel better. But the better I get, the more I realize how sick I was.

Part of it goes back to the discussion I had about what it means when someone says "you look good". My initial thoughts on the subject were correct. It IS a RELATIVE term. It means you look better than someone expected or better than the last time they saw you. It has nothing to do with how you really look. The reality is I looked like.....well.....I didn't look very good, because I wasn't very good. The better I get, the more people share with me how I really looked.

But it was confusing because I didn't see how I looked. I didn't see me as sick. I also didn't think I was as sick as they say I looked. I think it's part of God's way to protect us at times like this. The body has built in mechanisms that protect us from bad things. I saw it as a first responder to bad highway accidents and now I think I have experienced some of it. The better I get, the more I realize how sick I was.

Another part of it is the healing time. It's been nearly eight weeks since my last treatment and I'm still not back to being myself. I've never taken eight days, let alone eight weeks, to heal. Broken bones heal faster than this! I went through an explosion of the radio station in Laramie that totaled the building and two cars and spent less than two weeks in the hospital! The better I get, the more I realize how sick I was.

The third poignant example came yesterday. I went back to the gym for the first time since this ordeal started. Now anyone who knows me, knows I like to run. I don't know if I run because I like it, or if I like running because I can. I have the heart of a runner.....a very slow heartbeat. I don't run fast, I just run forever. I ran three 5K's in the two weeks before my first surgery. Yesterday I couldn't run for more than two minutes! In the weight room it was the same story. I knew I needed to drop weight and I did by twenty-five percent. It wasn't enough. I had to cut the amount of weight I had been using by HALF. And it was still a struggle. The better I get, well enough to go back to the gym, the more I realize just how sick I really was.

It's another in a growing list of experiences I have never had before. This has been quite the journey. I am better, much better. And I keep being told I'm ahead of the curve and that's the direct result of all of your support. I have a ways to go, but we're tracking the right direction.

Next.......understanding attitude, or calling your own shots. No, they're not connected. I just don't know which one will come together first.