Attitude -

I'm sitting here thinking about tomorrow and my PET scan. It's like taking a test you can't prepare for or study for, but want desperately to pass. Tests have never bothered me, but this one seems completely out of my control. All I have to bring to the examination table is my attitude.

From the beginning of this journey, everyone has emphasized the importance of attitude. I must admit, it's taken me some time to fully understand this. It was as if attitude was THE way to win and if you didn't win it would mean you had a poor attitude. Well, cancer isn't something you can just wish away. So that's not it. I've come to understand it's your attitude about the fight, not the disease.

Attitude is how you approach the cancer challenge, and it comes into play early. The very first doctor I saw queried me about my mental toughness. I kind of got in his face and told him he didn't need to worry about my resolve or attitude. To some extent, every doctor we met made a similar assessment.

Now, I have no proof, but I have a theory on how this all works. I think your prescribed treatment regiment is really the result of three factors. First, they determine what kind of cancer cell you have, the location of the tumor, and how far it may have spread.....the stage. Second, they assess your physical condition and determine just how much your body will tolerate. I think this second part is fairly easy to determine. You can tell them you're in great shape, workout five times a week and eat right, but it won't take but a few tests for the doctor to make a fairly accurate assessment. Third, they assess your attitude; where your head is. This is more subjective and I think what you say here is extremely important as they decide just how much you can take. My theory is they start with a fairly standard treatment prescription based on the cancer diagnosis and then modify it depending on factors two and three.

In my case, I think I talked myself into a harder or rougher treatment. I recall weighing treatment options with every doctor I met......surgery options, chemo options, radiation options. Every time I thought their treatment was leaning conservative I challenged them. I told every doctor, at least once, "I don't want a swing and a miss." Probably a dumb way to put it, but I didn't have a better way to convey where my head was.

Now, that was a good start. But as my treatment progressed, I really learned to understand this attitude thing. The attitude everyone talks about is the attitude about the treatments. After four chemo sessions, you know what's coming with number five. You know how you're going to feel. You know the routine. Can you walk back in again and again knowing what's in store? Radiation is cumulative......burn on burn. Toward the end, it's attitude that gets you back under that zapper day after day.

I said earlier I thought I talked myself into a rougher treatment. The doctors never said much out of the ordinary. They led me to think the treatment WAS ordinary. But I got a different read from the lab technicians. These were the people that saw me everyday. You get so you develop an awkward relationship with these white coats. In the last week of radiation, I could see and feel their concern. "How are you doing, Al", and it wasn't small talk. "Al, you're doing go0d....are you okay?" And at one time, "We know this is hard; it's as tough as we give anyone." Were they just words of encouragement? I don't think so. I saw the concern in their eyes and heard the compassion in their voices.

So, that's my take on attitude. I think it plays a huge role and I think it's a factor early in the process, before most patients even know it's a factor. It's being seriously assessed from the beginning and helps define your treatment. And I believe it's the attitude about the treatment....not the disease.....that's imperative.

So, we swing for the bleachers and tomorrow we hear whether it was a home run or a foul ball. The test is tomorrow.........but it'll be another week before we get the call.

Next......the alone part of the journey.